Adventures in reality?

Welp

2011-11-09T14:38:00.001-08:00

When your birth is a mistake, there is only one solution.

2011-08-28T01:21:00.000-07:00

Now feeling defeated and worthless.

Not sure why I keep trying.

2011-08-24T02:12:00.001-07:00

Feelin' worthless

About Time

2011-02-18T07:27:00.001-08:00

Finally Google got their act together. Now there is a Android application for Blogger.

I don't know how often I'll use it, but that's more a factor of how little I blog. Still, it's a nice option to have.

Harmony

2010-01-05T19:14:00.000-08:00

Interestingly enough, even when things seem to be going well, there is usually something that isn't quite right. Harmony is such a difficult thing to achieve. After all, it's much more probable that things will be discordant rather than harmonious, simply because there are more discordant situations than harmonious ones. Which is why I suppose you really have to appreciate the moments of harmony that you are occasionally able to bask in.

That being said, my life is more harmonious than discordant lately.

Hey Google, why no Blogger application for Android?

2010-01-05T03:21:00.000-08:00

Seriously, why not?

Android is a google related venture and so is blogger. Get crackin'!

Also, it would be a lot easier to write longer things if I could pair a bluetooth ketboard with my Droid.

Sometimes

2009-11-18T00:08:00.000-08:00

I just sit with my head hanging, face to the ground.

Wondering where everything went wrong.

Wondering what the hell am I doing with my life.

Still

2009-10-20T02:39:00.000-07:00

The air seems extraordinarily still tonight. Almost as a hush has gone over the world by my house. Oh, well. Time to go to work.

Thoughts

2009-09-29T04:12:00.000-07:00

Occasionally I feel like I don't know the person I used to be. My memory of past events can be so fuzzy that it's difficult to associate myself with my memories. Not to mention that I am a very different person than I used to be.

This is slightly disconcerting.

FUCK YES

2008-10-17T10:39:00.001-07:00

After all my years of waiting! YESSSSSSSSSS!

What a Nightmare

2008-09-21T22:05:00.000-07:00

So... I'm in the emergency room at about 04:00 this morning in debilitating pain and it occurs to me that if I do need surgery there is a good chance I will not be able to make my 52 weeks deadline.

Wait, back up.

~12:30 this morning - Jennifer and I say goodbye to Dillon and Sheri after encountering a crazy hobo in Little Tokyo post Daikokuya.

~01:20 - Jennifer and I go to bed.

~02:20 - I wake up in a lot of pain and think I might have food poisoning or something. I'm howling in pain.

~02:40 - Jennifer wakes an RA and has him call an ambulance. Jennifer isn't sick, so it most likely isn't food poisoning (since Daikokuya broth and stuff comes from one large batch and we both ordered the same thing). We both think there is a possibility of appendicitis. I can't really walk at this point.

~ 02:50 - The ambulance picks me up and the EMT proceeds to ask me about my condition over 9000 times while I'm fighting to breathe through the excruciating pain. She also tells me that I "really need to calm down", at this point I am desperately wanting to punch this EMT in the face.

~ 03:00 - I arrive at the UCLA Medical Center's emergency room and they bother me about signing things while I'm shaking from muscle spasms (squiggles I tell ya) and my insurance.

~ 03:30-04:45 - The pain continues to escalate and they start treatment. They ask me a billion questions while I'm having trouble breathing, so speaking isn't exactly a walk in the park. They hook up about twelve different gizmos to my body and give me a shot of morphine to the arm. The shot fails to even touch the pain that is still getting worse by the minute.

About seven different doctors come into the room and have me repeat my condition and prod my abdomen asking me if it hurts. At this point, I'm hoping for a swift demise at best.

The X-Ray technician comes in and has me move around in several painful ways to get a few x-rays of my abdomen.

They finally give me another shot of morphine, this time via my IV. It still doesn't do anything to curb the pain.

I un-have dinner at some point. That was fun..

They give me a liter of fluids via IV.

Catheter. X_X

At some point the morphine beings to make me drowsy and I drift off to a fitful sleep (there is some machine I'm hooked up to that keeps blaring an alarm at me if I fall asleep, because I'm no longer taking a proper deep breath.)

Some point after the insult to my injury (Hey, you're having sharp pains that are going right through your abdomen, how about some burning to go with that?) Jennifer comes in and sits by me the entire time.

~ 04:45 - I wake up feeling like the pain has receded to levels where I can actually speak instead of thrash and moan/scream the entire time. At this point they give me a liter of nasty crap to drink so stuff shows up in a CAT scan. The x-rays were inconclusive.

~ 05:30-06:00 - I go in for the CAT scan and come back to the room. I call my Mom and inform her where I am and what is happening. She tells me I should have woken her up earlier. (Nonsense says I. Someone should get some bloody sleep.)

~ 07:00 - My mother arrives looking about as worried as Jennifer has looked the entire time.

~ 08:00 - They come back with the results of my CAT scan. Apparently I don't have appendicitis. I have kidney stones. The pain was coming from one of the pesky little buggers moving from my kidney to my bladder through a tiny tube. Epic bummer.

~ 12:00 - We finally leave the hospital and Jennifer and I take showers and try to get in a short nap before Jordan comes out to L.A. to pick up my car and drive me home. (Apparently you're not supposed to drive up to twelve hours or more after a morphine shot.)

So yeah. That was my day. I'm going to go to bed now.

This Spring Break Sucks

2008-03-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

I present to you the following evidence for why this spring break sucks.

1) C- in MAT214. So close.
2) D in ARO 202L, not unexpected, but still.
3) My car is in the shop from the accident I had back in October. The other guy's (I was rear ended) insurance company sucks.
4) I'm sick.
5) I still have to go to work.
6) My shoulder was getting better, but I think I re-injured it at work today.

Sigh. I need to do better next quarter. I have to redouble my efforts. It was an improvement for sure, but I need to do better. Still these results are discouraging.

Finals

2008-03-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

I'm currently taking a short break from studying Aerospace Engineering. My final for that class is tomorrow. Once I finish that, I'll need to write an essay for my German Civilization class and then I'm done. I'm really looking forward to having a week off, though it certainly could be longer than a week. Oh well, such is life.

My next quarter is shaping up to be even more work that the one that I'm just finishing. I really want to do well though. I'm really burnt out on school and I just want to finish now, even though that will take me about two years. I've made some mistakes and it's going to take some time to correct them.

Jennifer and I will have been together five months tomorrow. It's odd, it seems longer and shorter than that simultaneously. I suppose that's the nature of it.

I've been taking photography a lot more seriously as of late. I'm really getting more into film and I've been enjoying myself with the art. Actually I've set up a small gallery online via ImageKind. I doubt I'll sell anything, though I think the images I have posted are quite good. Being an artist of any kind is always hard, but in such an economic landscape as we have today it's that much more difficult. Like I said, I don't expect to sell a thing, it'd just be nice if I did.

I've also created a Flickr group for film photography of Los Angeles. I've set up a blog for that as well. I've been showcasing some pretty awesome photos from the group contributors. Film is a curious thing.

I'm rambling now. Back to studying.

----------------
Now playing: Nine Inch Nails - 3 Ghosts I
via FoxyTunes

Sigh

2008-03-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

My Aromoa rice cooker that I bought from Target, is no longer working. I only picked it up last November. (The 21st to be exact). I made a single cup of rice in it earlier today and it got really hot. I don't know why, I didn't do anything different than I normally do when I make rice. Now it won't turn on. I unscrewed the bottom cover and looked for any charred electronics or a blown fuse of some sort but I couldn't find anything amiss.

I'm not really sure what's gone wrong with it. So now I'm without rice cooker. I want another one, but I don't know what I should buy. I really liked this little rice cooker for how small it was and how simple it was. Obviously I'd much rather have the Zojirushi NP-GBC05, but it's out of my price range while I remain a poor college student. Sigh. Most likely I'll end up going to Target to pick up another one of these Aroma ARC-928SB's. Before it broke it was pretty much perfect.

Huzzah!

2008-02-03T14:35:00.001-08:00

Saigon Noodle had my chopsticks! They've kept them safe since I was there in December. Next time I go there. I am leaving a generous tip.

Crap

2008-02-01T15:55:00.000-08:00

I'm fairly sure I've lost my Titanium chopsticks. I'm going to Pasadena tomorrow and I'm going to see if I left them at Saigon Noodle. Even if I had there is no guarantee they'll be there.

I've also contacted the fellow I bought them from to see if he's still making them. If I can't find mine, hopefully I'll be able to get a replacement set.

:(

I'm also unable to find my Apple In-Ear headphones for my iPod. Damn it!

Recent Thoughts

2008-01-14T22:26:00.000-08:00

For some reason I've been feeling rather dark lately. I think I know why.

In my efforts to buckle down and do well in school this quarter (and from here on) I'm realizing just how much further I have to go and how many mistakes I've made. It can be rather painful to lift the curtain of excuses you've made for your past and look at the raw truth of it. No matter how it happened or why, I screwed myself over rather badly. Now I'm attempting to play catch up and I'm feeling the strain of it. I suppose it can't be helped. What's done is done. It is difficult to be forward looking and optimistic when the past is strewn with failure. What else can I do though?

Hopefully this stress will ease as it becomes more routine. Hopefully.

Wha?

2008-01-08T14:05:00.001-08:00

Newness

2007-11-21T16:27:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it.

Last night I ordered my Canon Digital Rebel xti. So I now have a DSLR on it's way. Should be here by the 26th. Not only did I get the camera (with the kit lens), but a telephoto lens as well. I'm pretty fucking excited. There is so much I've been wanting to do with my photography that I haven't been able to because of the limitations of my equipment. This ought to change a lot of it. Naturally I'm still keeping the Panny, but it will be relieved of it's main camera duties. In other recent photographic news, I picked up some color film for my Holga recently so once I'm done shooting those rolls we'll see how they come out. It is a fairly exciting prospect for my photographic direction. Also Alec picked up one as well, so he'll hopefully be more prolific with his own photography. The 52 weeks project seems to be coming along quite nicely for me. I feel like I have some good ideas I want to try in the near future.

Also, I buckled. I went to Target today and bought a cheap ($20) rice cooker. I know I won't be able to get the über1337 Zojirushi rice cooker anytime soon, this cheap Aroma one will do. I've been eating more rice lately. It's tasty. Well, just got the first batch out of the cooker and it seems to have worked quite well. Naturally it won't keep my rice warm for days or do GABA brown rice or make porridge, but for general rice, I think this will do quite nicely. Now if Kikkoman would only revert to their shaker top bottles of soy sauce.

Jennifer and I are going to an Organ Recital at the Walt Disney Concert Hall on Sunday. I'm really looking forward to that. The pipe organ is quite possibly my favorite instrument and the WDCH has a great one. Not to mention I'll get to see Jennifer which is always nice.

I think that's good for now.

-Marcus

New Lolcat

2007-11-06T22:51:00.000-08:00

My cat Hobbes is the subject of a lolcat in this shot. My brother Alec took the shot originally, but I made it into a lolcat. Heh.

The Huntington Library / What I did Saturday

2007-10-22T18:25:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday, Jennifer and I went to the Huntington Library in San Marino. It was a nice place. I'd never been there and neither had she. They have several gardens there that range in theme from Desert to Japanese. Jennifer and I got to the gardens just a bit before 13:00 and we stayed until closing (which was at 16:30). The gardens were quite nice actually, my favorite of course being the Japanese garden and its subsections (Bonzai, rock/Zen, koi pond, etc.) though I think the Japanese gardens in Portland are still better overall. The herb garden was interesting as it had all the herbs categorized by use. For instance there was a separate section for cooking herbs, medicinal herbs and so on. The art exhibits that were there were slightly anemic in my opinion, mostly portraiture, which after a while is just repetitive.

The exhibit that interested me the most was the literature exhibit. It was fairly intense, they have a Gutenberg Bible printed on Vellum from 1455. What a sight. Other notable works were a first quarto edition of Much Ado About Nothing and a first edition of John Milton's Paradise Lost (Which Jennifer looked at nonchalantly and declared "Huh, fan fiction.", which made me laugh hysterically, not the best thing to do in a quiet museum environment mind you. :D ) That whole exhibit was fairly interesting and we spent quite a bit of time there. There was also a small exhibit on Jamestown (which naturally made me think of the Roanoke colony, though neither Jennifer or myself could remember what they had written on the tree/fort post. That was quite frustrating at the time. Turns out it was Croatoan.)

After the Huntington Library we headed to Pasadena to eat. We had initially intended on going to Saigon Noodle last weekend for some Pho, but due to a long stay at Amoeba we got into Pasadena too late to go. Therefore we went this past Saturday instead. The Pho was great, so no change there. I think that Jennifer enjoyed the Pho, at least she said as much. :D

We were sort of at a loss for things to do after that, but fortunately I thought of going to the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica. (Thanks Julie!) On our way there while driving on eastbound on I-10 we saw the most amazing meteor. It was the brightest meteor I've ever seen. It lasted quite a long time as well. The most amazing part, though had to be the fact that as it fell it visibly broke into pieces. Wow. Denotatively awesome.

The other remarkable thing was the wind. Huge gusts. Beyond the wind the Third Street Promenade was basically what it always is: full of people, full of street performers, expensive, and gaudy. However all these less than desirable aspects make it a fantastic place to people watch, which was what we ended up doing for a while (there was also some tea, but I'm sure you assumed that since it is me)

After that we headed back to UCLA and just walked around the campus for a while since I'd never been there. Then we went to Westwood and got some In-N-Out, since it was about 1:00 on Sunday at that time and we were both slightly hungry. That however was my limit since I'd been up for nearly twenty four straight hours at that point. So we called it a night.

All in all it was a great day!

Here are a few shots from the Huntington Library, I didn't take many.

Bonsai Pomegranate. Wicked sweet.

The Getty

2007-10-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

Jennifer and I visited The Getty Center this past Saturday. It was a great day. The Getty had a couple of new photography exhibits that were very interesting. Beyond that it was The Getty as usual. Extremely photogenic place with fantastic architecture. We spent a few hours going through the exhibits and walking through the gardens. It was rather enjoyable. After that we went over to Amoeba records to pick up some music and browse. I actually found a Vinyl copy of NIN's first release and a Vinyl copy of The Resident's Third Reich and Roll. Pretty good haul if you ask me. After that we went to Oldtown Pasadena and had dinner. We capped off the evening by going over to Zephyr cafe in Pasadena and having tea. It was a nice day.

Here are a few shots from The Getty.

9/12

2007-09-12T02:07:00.001-07:00

Bleh. I feel old.

Portland-o

2007-09-06T21:35:00.001-07:00

I'll start this entry out by giving you a link to the web album where I'm uploading (and will be uploading) most of my shots (that are digital) from this trip.

It's the third day and Portland so far has been great. Yesterday was a lot of me being here at Marc-David's apartment (he couldn't get out of work until much later than he expected) so after he got back we walked around the city and planned for the next day, spending a large amount of the time just walking and chatting. I stopped by the Camera Store in Downtown Portland and picked up some film for my Pentax and my Holga. I've been shooting quite a bit of film. So much in fact that I went back for a few more rolls of a great film that they had for super-cheap today. I capped the night off with another Bacon Doughnut from Voodoo Doughnuts. Slightly before that I stopped at Stumptown coffee for a Doppio Espresso. Not bad, but a bit acidic for my tastes, though it had very nice chocolate undertones.

Today was a bit more involved. We went to the Tao of Tea and I was able to unwind over a gaiwan of "Frozen Summit" Oolong (which I picked up a tin of) while Marc and I discussed Humankind's disconnection with nature and early 20th century Czech poetry. After that we made our way to Music Millennium where I picked up a couple of things that I had been looking for (some Gregorian chant, some Shostakovich, some Saint-Saens, some Opeth, some Black Sabbath). After that I was quite hungry so we stopped at Subway (a.k.a. The Chicken Bacon Ranch store) and I ate.

After that we made our way to Everyday Music and I browsed for a bit. After that we made our way back here to Marc-David's apartment. All in all things are going quite nicely.

Some Metaphotography.

There is a ton of construction going on in Portland. There was quite a bit last time I was here as well.

Rocco's the pizza joint I stopped by the first day.

Powell's

Not only is this Hydrant sad, but it has a bow tie as well.

Did I mention that Portland is a little strange?

More construction.

A Student studying at PSU.

I demand more!

I love these things, possibly too much...

Marc.

Oregon poppies?

Portland

2007-09-05T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm here. The flight wasn't too bad despite an unscheduled plane change at Sacramento. After that Marc-David met me at PDX and we took the MAX (a light rail system) back to where Marc lives in Portland. After we dropped off my luggage at his pad, we went for pizza at this place called Roccos. Not bad pizza and quite decent prices. Being full at that point, we went to the Everyday Music in Downtown. Ha, I hadn't been in the city for more than a few hours when I found my first gem. The definitive edition of Star Wars on laserdisc. Only fifty bucks too! Normally on ebay it fetches anywhere from 80-120. So I felt pretty damned lucky. I lugged that back to the apartment and the we went over to safeway to pick up a few snacks and the like. After taking THAT back to the apartment (I'm so unused to not having a car, but I like all the walking) we headed over to Voodoo Doughnuts for the amazing, incredible Bacon Doughnut. Love After that we went to Powell's for a while.

I don't have too much planned for today, but at some point during my trip I'm going to make it out to The Tao of Tea and Music Millennium. Otherwise I'm just kind of casually sight seeing (hmm, I need to buy film) and visiting with Marc. Updates to follow.

Cal Poly from the 737

Just a nice atmospheric shot from the plane.

Portland from the air.

Some columns from the now defunct subway that an operator drew murals on over the course of years. Quite interesting.

The real reason I came back to Portland? A little...

Damn

2007-09-02T03:39:00.000-07:00

Okay so I went to a Hopefield show tonight at the The Glass House. It was awesome. Not only were Hopefield in rare form, but I had the opportunity to be on the guest list for the night. This meant that I was able to go backstage at The Glass House! I was really jazzed about it to say the least. For those that don't know, I've been interested in this band for about a year. I've been taking pictures of them (with my digital) for the same amount of time. I have somewhere around 2000-3000 shots of them on my hard drive. Now mind you only about 200 of those are any good, but its something. Each time I go to one of their shows I bring my camera. I like shooting the concert and its my way of contributing. Since I can't sponsor them monetarily I license my shots to them for free. Its my way of helping out. Well, tonight was special. Because of my guest list status, I was able to go on stage while they were playing! This really enabled me to get some awesome angles for my shots that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. It was great. The only downside to the night was my problem with my film camera. I had my Pentax with me and I had it loaded with Ilford Delta 3200 black and white film. I was pretty excited about using the SLR to shoot them as it is a different feel. Film is just something else. I was really in the zone tonight when I was shooting film, I was really excited to take in the roll and get it back. One problem. The film wasn't feeding. I didn't properly check it when I loaded to make sure it was advancing. So every shot I took with the Pentax, never got captured. I was pretty bummed about that. Oh well, you live, you learn, you get luvs (as Josh would say). Hopefully next time, (I'm hoping I have another opportunity like that) I'll be better prepared. I talked to Andrew (the lead singer of Hopefield) and we chatted about photography and he may need some promo shots done soon. I'm more than happy to help, if I can.

Here's to hoping my photography gets better.

Xbox 360

2007-08-07T16:03:00.000-07:00

So I crossed over to the Dark Side. Thanks to Thom I now have a Xbox 360. Pretty sweet stuff. I still love my Wii, but now I can experience the PS3 killing glory of the Wii60.

My Xbox has a blog here.

I shaved...

2007-08-06T02:34:00.001-07:00

I'm not too happy with the results. I look way too young and I miss my beard. Damn trimming accidents. It'll take a long time to get my goatee back to where it was as well. Probably around six months. Damn it.

Sigh.

Faces

2007-07-21T18:39:00.001-07:00

Faces
Originally uploaded by airencracken

I'm feeling odd lately. I don't know if I'm depressed of just idle.

My lolcats

2007-06-24T14:37:00.000-07:00

Chip

Rocky

Sleep

2007-06-05T01:29:00.001-07:00

Who needs it eh?

Fuck.

Last.fm sold to CBS

2007-05-30T11:48:00.000-07:00

Damn, I really like that site. :/

http://blog.last.fm/2007/05/30/lastfm-acquired-by-cbs

Marilyn Manson on Society

2007-05-26T21:43:00.000-07:00

Not only do I like his music, but the man is right about a lot of things.

Do Want

2007-05-17T23:35:00.000-07:00

Um, hell yes. That'd go nicely with my 15 million candle power spotlight...

I <3 IN-N-OUT

2007-05-10T22:30:00.000-07:00

The Double-Double is indeed the pinnacle of burgerdom.

Animal style = Delish.

Coachella

2007-05-07T23:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know this is a bit after the fact, but hey give a guy a break.

Miranda and I drove to Indio around 10:30 or so and get there in fairly short order, only really encountering traffic as we attempt to get near the venue and park. We made sure to slather on sunscreen before doing anything else and would reapply it several times through the day. After that we went and bought water to stuff in our backpacks thinking that just in case we didn't get any other time, it'd be good to have a couple of water bottles with us, just in case. The bastards were charging $2.00 a bottle for nasty Crystal Geyser water. Ugh. Fortunately though, they had a program where if you turned in 10 empty bottles, you'd get a new (full) one.

So the first band we went to go see was Fields, they weren't too bad. The first order of the day of course though was putting in earplugs, going shirtless (only for me), and taking douchy MySpace type camwhore photos.

Miranda and I

Fields was decent.

Some Asian guy with an afro, had to snap a picture of that

After Fields an English band called The Cribs came on. They were extremely forgettable. Pretty much all their material sounded the same. At this point we decided to peace out and grab some eats.

The Cribs

Coachell is a music and arts festival. I suppose they justify the arts part with a bunch of weird looking sculptures and stuff.

Miranda poses for a shot

Bunch o' hippie crap

After walking around for a bit we returned to the tent to see The Fratellis, another mediocre band.

The Fratellis

After we peaced out of that set, we caught a bit of The Frames set.

The Frames

It was quite hot that day, I think shade temperatures were in excess of 100 degrees Fahrenheit.

Everyone claimed shade real estate.

More Art, I think

After wandering a bit and reapplying sunscreen, we went to see the first compelling set of the day. A band called Hot Chip. They had a funky groove. Not bad at all.

Hot Chip

After that we made our way to the Outdoor Theater to catch The New Pornographers and get good spots for The Decemberists. On our way to the Outdoor Theater we heard the worst folk music coming from one of the other tents. Curiously enough this horrid music had packed the tent. Come to find out, it was Tom Morello's (of Rage fame) Folk band, The Nightwatchmen. I cannot describe how bad they were in words. Horrid. Just horrid.

So after we escape that (and I obtain more food) we settle down to watch The New Pornographers. They're mediocre in my opinion and the lead singer has a horrible sense of humor. He isn't funny at all, though he thinks he is. What was funny though was the creepy dancing guy that stood in front of Miranda and I at one point and started to do the weirdest dancing in his decomposing terry cloth shorts that were short enough that his boxers stuck out of the bottoms. This guy was a trainwreck, we couldn't keep our eyes of his creepy, hairy, figure. Miranda even caught some video of him on her cellphone. I hope to be able to post a link to it in the future, I don't think she's had time to upload it to YouTube yet.

The New Pornographers and the creepy dancing guy

The New Pornographers and the creepy dancing guy. He's the guy in white with his butt clenched.

Me, without a shirt. The non-dancing creepy guy

After that creep left and The New Pornographers ended their set, The Decemberists came on. They played a great set. Colin Malloy has a fantastic sense of humor and a lot of energy. At one point he had everyone waving their fingers in the air and moving their hands up and down and he said "I know you can't get the full effect, but it looks pretty cool from up here"

The Decemberists

After The Decemberists' set we hurried to the main stage to catch The Arcade Fire, with Colin's blessing of course. He signed off his set with "And go see The Arcade Fire for chrissakes!"

In my mind The Arcade Fire were the real headliners for Saturday Night, not the forgettable and egotistical Red Hot Chili Peppers.

The Main Stage, before The Arcade Fire came out

We didn't have the best spot/view, but we sure didn't have the worst either

The Arcade Fire were amazing

After an amazing set by The Arcade Fire, we collected a bunch of empty bottles and went to turn them in for free water.

That was the right time for another douchebaggy MySpace photo

After getting more food (I get hungry) we went to go catch most of Blonde Redhead's set. They were pretty good, but I was pretty tired at that point.

Blonde Redhead

After that we trucked on over to the main stage to catch a bit of The Red Hot Chili Pepper's set. They were mediocre at best. I've never been a huge fan, but they just sounded old and played mostly new material (which isn't that good, in my opinion)

The Red Hot Chili Peppers

After that we drove back to the IE from the desert and went to the land of nod, for some much needed rest. I would have liked to have gone all three days, to have seen Rage and Bjork, but alas time and money did not permit. All in all I had a great time and hope to do it again next year if the line-up is any good.

More concerts on the way. :D

Concerts... Nothing but, Concerts...

2007-04-25T10:09:00.000-07:00

As you have probably seen in my Calendar I have quite a few concerts coming up. I'm going to most of them (all except the Tool show) with Miranda. She's complied a pretty accurate itinerary for Coachella here. I'm fairly excited about the shows I have coming up. Quite a bit of good live music is in store for me, not to mention some incidental vacation time (which is far overdue).

However Trent Reznor still hasn't announced US tour dates for the latest NIN tour yet, much to my dismay. There are European dates up until the first of September, so hopefully soon after that (maybe he'll take a break) there will be US tour dates announced. If/when they are, I'm going to attempt to go to every show within about 300 or so miles. I'm also going to attempt to drag along everyone I know, since NIN live is amazing.

Shows coming up in chronological order:
The Arcade Fire in San Diego (with Miranda)
Coachella (with Miranda)
Tool in San Diego (with Josh)
Porcupine Tree in Anaheim (with Josh and Miranda)
They Might Be Giants in San Diego (with Jordan and Miranda)
The Arcade Fire in Los Angeles (with Jordan, Miranda, and Liza [I think])
The Arcade Fire in Berkeley (with Miranda)
The Decemberists in Hollywood (with Miranda)

Hopefully I can stick a few more in there. Marilyn Manson has yet to announce his summer tour with Slayer and I definately want to go to that. Also, Hopefield and Population Game will hopefully have some dates I can go to. I'm missing seeing Hopefield at The Glass House with Rufio, but it's to see The Arcade Fire in Berkeley, so I'm not too upset. :) Hopefully Opeth will make it out here to the US as well when they release their new album.

I guess that wraps up concert news for now, stay tuned for insane amounts of concert going updates and news, especially when US tour dates for NIN are announced.

BBQ Pancakes

2007-04-23T15:40:00.000-07:00

Jordan had the dumb (though, not bad) idea of making pancakes in Memorial Park over the weekend (Saturday to be exact). He originally wanted to cart an electric griddle to the park, but I suggested we just use one of the barbecues that they have in the park. So we got a few supplies for the day from Stater Bros. and set off to Memorial Park (with pre-mixed [at Jordan's house] batter in hand).

Bacon was one of the items we picked up at Stater Bros. The foil worked okay, but later on we switched to a cast iron skillet.

Jordan pouring the pancakes into the skillet.

Now, I know that doesn't look very appetizing, but as I've found is always the case with food cooked over a fire without a care, it's the relaxed, "I don't care if there's dirt in my food", attitude that makes this kind of cooking/food good. These pancakes (which had real blueberries in them btw), turned out to be quite good.

Of course the addition of real maple syrup didn't hurt.

As I said before, when we went to make more bacon we switched to using the skillet, which was fortuitous because the bacon grease makes for an excellent base for eggs, giving them non-stick properties and giving them a nice flavor.

The coffee didn't exactly work out, coals aren't the best for coffee, fire is better for that. Maybe when/if Jordan, Miranda, and I go on a camping trip this summer we can make coffee there. Though I'm sure Tea will be more popular. :)

All in all, a good way to start the day.

Why do I blog?

2007-04-18T19:27:00.000-07:00

Jon has tagged me with this question. Why do I blog? Five reasons eh?

1) Desperate attempt at human contact.
2) Central place to gather my links about me.
3) Keep people I care about informed (if they read it that is)
4) Vent/Rant.
5) Organize my thoughts.

I suppose the only other person I can tag is Miranda

Respect

2007-04-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

I saw her last night. I was out with my friend and we came back to her suite (where both my friend and this girl live) and we were just hanging out and chatting. Anyways, apparently she had been drinking just a bit after she came back and well, we all know what that does to most chicks. She got all touchy feel-y and stuff. So we were joking around and stuff and there was quite a bit of more than friendly, but less than boinking contact going on. Things got a bit awkward later on though. I did a couple things that weren't very smooth (or at least she said so) and at some point it just felt odd to be there and I left. I probably could have stayed. I could have been more aggressive. I'm angry with myself for not going far enough, but then again it didn't feel right at the time. In a way I feel chicken, but on the other hand I feel like I was just being respectful.

I was there until about 4:30am. I wanted to leave earlier and yet I didn't. I'm going to be honest, I like her and I think she can be fun. I'm also going to be honest with myself, I like her more than is warranted (since she really is wrong for me in so many ways and she does things I don't agree with) simply because she seems to be my best bet at the moment for female contact (which I currently desire greatly). Last night for me was one of those wrong/ "feel right" situations. Part of me felt like, she's drunk, shields are down, time to go on the offensive. However the other part of me was very hesitant about it. Though I can't be certain, I'm pretty sure that if I would have been a bit more aggressive about it, I could have made out with her or something. However, being that she was drunk, I'd consider that in bad form. Not only that but since she was drunk and I'm me, there were lots of mixed signals going on and invariably I ended up over analyzing, hell I'm currently doing that most likely.

To be succinct, I want things to go well with her, if only just to have a bit of fun. If only because I don't really have any other prospects at the moment. I'd feel worse about that attitude if I thought she liked me at all, but I don't. No, I consider this more a "Eh, whatever." situation in her eyes, though it is slightly foolish for me to attempt to read her. I don't know, at this point I'm rambling and attempting to bring you in on my circles and circles of second guessing, faulty logic, and self blaming. What I really should do is stop worrying about it and just come back to the situation fresh like a dumb guy, I'm terrible at that though. However, I will do so and the cycle will probably repeat.

We said we'd get together later on this week before last night and I'm hoping we still will. We'll see.

I love Family Guy

2007-04-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

The Ipecac drinking contest. Hilarious.

This is why Picitonary sucks.

Ding fries are done...

ssssss.....aaaaaah

XKCD - Floor Tiles

2007-04-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

Car Update

2007-04-04T13:45:00.000-07:00

Well, got call from Toyota and they are going to pay for the part. What a relief. I still have to pay for the labor, which is just shy of $2000 but that's way better than the just shy of $6000 I thought I was going to have to pay. Still sucks either way, but just a bit less. I must admit I'm very pleased with Toyota's customer service.

My Car

2007-04-03T20:03:00.000-07:00

So Sunday evening my car's check engine/general warning light came on. Then it was accompanied by the overheating light. So I took it into the dealer expecting some small problem.

Nope.

I got a call and it looks like it'll be $5850.00 to fix it. The electric transaxle is on the fritz. That's the part that connects the electric motor and the ICE. Anyways, I called around and another dealer quoted me about $1200 less. Then I called another dealer that suggested that I call Toyota's corporate office since they, in his words, "Usually bend over backwards for Prius owners."

Well, I called up Toyota and explained the situation to them. I was assigned a case worker who is currently looking into the situation and talking to my dealer. I should know what, if anything is going on by tomorrow at some point, or perhaps Thursday, I don't remember.

Wow I didn't not need this extra stress. Tack it on to the other stuff I was dealing with I guess. Sigh.

Hell, it's stressful for me to even be separated from my car. I love that dumb machine. I just don't feel right not driving it. I feel hobbled. Sigh.

New Monitor

2007-03-30T16:59:00.000-07:00

I need a new monitor sometime soon. The old CRT I have works, but the damn thing is massive and I think it's due time to upgrade since it hails from the days of my old Pentium II Compaq. I'm thinking about this LG. Thoughts anyone?

Bach

2007-03-30T13:09:00.000-07:00

Wow. Marc-David just sent me The Complete Works Of J.S. Bach on CD. Wow. I now own Bach. All of it. How sweet is that?! Pretty soon here I'll be carrying around all of Bach in my pocket! It will take some time to import 155 CDs onto my iPod though (yes, you heard that right 155 CDs) I've been listening to bits of every CD as I import them (up to 23 at the time of writing this). I love Bach. I love "Classical" music. Ahhh. So nice. What a gift! :D

June 21, 2007

2007-03-28T15:27:00.000-07:00

So June 21 is the Summer Solstice. I'm thinking I want to have some sort of party type thing. Maybe a BBQ in a park or something like that. I know it's a Thursday and that's not exactly optimal, but I think it'd be cool to do. If anyone has any ideas, let me know.

Strategery

2007-03-25T01:58:00.000-07:00

She said she was busy on Friday night, so we didn't end up getting together. I saw her tonight but she didn't talk to me at all, I thought that was weird. However, when I talked to her on Friday, she said we should try for next week. Instead of worrying about details, I think for now I'm just going to operate on the assumption that she likes me and everything is going super good. I think that's the only way I'll stay sane. If she's direct with me (if she doesn't like me or my advances are unwelcome) then I'll back off. Otherwise, I'm just going to assume that things are going well.

Newness

2007-03-24T12:41:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well. This blogpost is being brought to you courtesy of my new Unicomp keyboard. It's old school buckling spring technology, which means it's loud as hell while you're typing, but the speed at which you type is greatly enhanced. This thing will be alive for a long, long, time. I'm also glad that it doesn't have any of the retarded "features" that the old Logitech keyboard I was using had. Stuff like a function lock key and a bunch of useless media keys. Ahhh, nice.

I also finally got new glasses. Yay! It's nice to be able to see again without having your glasses fall off your face.

Regarding the post just before this, I think that I'm in an okay position. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but we're going to attempt to go out next week at some point.

Unease

2007-03-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

Dating is a mindfuck. I so don't know where I stand. I hate the games that are played. I'm a direct person, one cannot be direct in this arena. I hate that so much. Does she like me? Is she humoring me? What the fuck is actually going on? I hate that I over-think things, that I over-analyze, that I am paranoid. I just want to have fun and relax, but I'm so concerned with the outcome that I'm paralyzed by my paranoia.

I'm going to call her today and ask if she wants to go out on a date tonight. I'm going to be explicit about that part. We'll see what happens from there I suppose.

Must I worry so?

LAN Party

2007-03-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went over to Josh's house for my first ever LAN party. We gamed for around eight hours. We played Quake III and Warcraft III. Not the newest games by a long shot, but still fun as hell. We were supposed to have about six people there, but one person couldn't make it so we ended up only having five. Still a lot of fun though. Pizza, Vanilla Coke, Bawls, Jones, and Pirate's Booty comprised the snacks. I got a couple of pictures from the event, but nothing special as I spent most of my time gaming. :D

Hopefully we'll be able to have another one sometime soon. Maybe some newer games though. I'm hoping for COD2 or maybe 3.

Now what I'm really itching to do is go paintballing. I haven't been since last July.

Ich Hass Deutsch Aufsatzen!!!!

2007-03-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

Nicht mehr! Bitte!!!

The Four Peters

2007-03-05T15:09:00.000-08:00

I love Family Guy. This cracks me up.

Hopefield - You Owe Me A Dance

2007-03-02T13:53:00.000-08:00

Bad Video I took of Hopefield at a recent show in Rancho Cucamonga.

Progress

2007-02-26T23:03:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been almost two weeks since I posted last. I've had a few interesting things go on in my life since the last post I put up here.

First and foremost, my eight month dateless streak is over! I went out on two dates with a great girl from Pitzer, one of Miranda's friends actually. We went out to dinner Sunday before last and went to a concert at the Walt Disney Concert Hall last Thursday.

At first I was hesitant to ask her out because she's very attractive and generally not the kind of girl I'd go for. However, I ended up asking her out on Valentines day and to my great surprise she agreed to go out with me. So we went out to dinner on that Sunday at an Italian restaurant in the village. On that night we made plans to go out on Thursday to see the L.A. Philharmonic perform a two symphonies by Brahms. That was fantasic. I love the WDCH and the L.A. Phil. Basically both dates went rather well and I felt pretty good about both of them. I had a lot of fun and there wasn't a whole lot of internal tension.

I've been trying to take a less stressful approach to dating and women in general. I've been attempting to scheme less and just take things as they go. It seems to be working. For example, there was another girl I was trying to hang out with/ask out. But it just didnt' work out. I expressed some irritation because I felt like I was being blown off and I'd prefer to be rejected outright, but she explained that she was just busy, so I apologized for misinterpreting the situation and left it open-ended. I doubt I'll hear back from her, but we'll see.

That's been another part of my new approach, I've been trying not to expect anything from dating and women in general. Not to say that I don't hope or expect, but I've been trying to let it get to me less and not take things so personally. I think I've been doing a fairly good job of it as well considering how obsessive I can get about things in my mind and how overly analytical I can be. For instance, this whole thing with Miranda's friend, I don't really expect a whole lot from it. I'd love to go on dating this girl for any amount of time, but I don't necessarily expect a third date even. I don't think there is any long term potential, but I'm not really focused on that at this point. If that happens great, if not, whatever. I think really at this point all I want is just for more stuff to happen. Not to be idle any longer, which given my recent increase in involvement (instead of just being depressed about the issue) seems likely.

I finally made an eye appointment for this Thursday, so hopefully soon I'll have new glasses. That'll be nice. I also made a dentist appointment for next Thursday to get this faulty filling fixed, that'll be nice too. Then I can finally start wearing my retainers again and get my teeth back to perfect straightness (though I need to get my wisdom teeth removed as well, not looking forward to that).

A friend of mine recently found out that her boyfriend had been cheating on her for two years or so (out of a four year relationship). I feel really bad for her, I know a lot of what she's going through. I've been trying to be supportive and I think I've been doing an alright job. Surprisingly enough, the situation hasn't really brought up much stuff from my own break up, which I suspected it might. I think I'm really moving on these days, which is nice since it's about god damned time. I can't do much for her, but I'm trying.

School is going pretty well, I finished a big Aerospace project this Saturday and it seems to be going well. Math is probably my worst subject at the moment, but I have a big test coming up so I'm going to study my ass off for it. German is going fairly well, but I have some work that I need to make up for it.

Work is...well, work. It sucks, no two ways about it, I'm just hoping that it doesn't rain at all during the night. I hate working in the freezing rain. I really do. On the upside though, since I've been going to work everyday and not coming in late ever, my paychecks have been substantially larger, which is good.

I only have two payments left on my car! I feel really good about being responsible about the entire experience. I never had a late payment and I feel good about going through the whole process. The ol' Prius has about 84,000mi on it right now and no major or really even minor problems. I love that car.

I think I'm making a few social strides beyond dating as well. Jordan and I started talking again, if only through IM. That's a step. I don't know how long it'll take for us to get close again, but I think it has the potential to happen with time and work.

The last few days I've felt kind of isolated and lonely, but it hasn't brought my life to a standstill like it had in the recent past. I don't know, I think I'm just in a better place personally.

I miss Marc. I'm glad that he's doing well in Portland, but sometimes it would be nice if he were here so we could hang out. I talk to him fairly frequently on the phone and I send him e-mail and to date one letter, but it just isn't the same as having him here physically. As soon as I get the chance I'm going to try and visit him in Portland again.

Sometime soon I want to want to go down to San Diego. I want to visit Ivan and Jenny, but I also want to just chill and hang out around SD. I really like that area. I think I might like to live down there someday. I dunno, I think I'm rambling and avoiding going to bed at this point. Mostly because I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Ugh.

I recently upgraded my computer. I dropped in an AMD 4400+ X2 Dual Core Proc and an EVGA 7600GT video card. Thing run really nicely now. I also had Josh help me install Gentoo again. Man Beryl is wicked sweet.

Alright, I think that about does it for now.

-Marcus

Animation Show 3

2007-02-16T21:01:00.000-08:00

Wow what a fun night. Several interesting animated shorts (natch). The highlight of my evening though was the Q&A session with Don Hertzfeldt after the show. I asked him how often people came up to him and quoted his material and though that they were funny. His answer was "A lot." Then he proceeded to tell us about people getting "Rejected" tattoos. He was like "I spent thirty seconds designing that charecter and you're getting a tattoo of that? It's going to be on you for life." He joked that years from now there would be people with scars that looked like the spoon guy. :D Anyways, they were giving out boxed DVD sets of the two previous animation shows for good questions. They selected my question to get one of the two boxed sets!

Well, as they announced it I started to get up and before I could even get out of my seat this guy runs up on stage and accepts my damn DVDs! What a douche! Well fortunately for me the audience called him on it and I got my DVDs. After the show I waited to meet Mr. Hertzfeldt and get his autograph. I talked to him about the guy that grabbed the DVDs and he was like "What? Why? Did you have to buy a new one or did you get it back?" So we chatted for a bit and told him I was a fan of his work, then Miranda chatted with him. All in all a great night. The only downside was that it left me with only an hour of sleep before work. Which left me cranky pretty much all of today. Oh well, small price.

Dating, Women, Valentines

2007-02-14T09:28:00.000-08:00

For me, Valentines has never really held any special place. Not because love is trite or anything as angsty/emo as that, but because I've always thought that things you define or create yourself (or as a couple) mean a lot more than pre-scipted societal "holidays". Like I would consider an Anniversary>valentines by far since it is far more personal. That and like my views on gift giving on christmas and other such holidays, I'd rather give my (currently non-existent) significant other spontaneous gifts throughout the year. I don't like feeling constrained by a day. That being said, I don't usually pass up an excuse to show people that they matter to me (not to mention I would prefer having someone to show they matter to me today). Conversely, I don't think it's abnormal or wrong (I'd say it may even be favorable) for couples to disregard valentines and make their own special days. That's all.

But seeing as I do not have a date for tonight and that I'm not currently "dating" anyone I don't really have anything to do tonight. I'll probably end up either at home working on my laptop (yay linux) and homework, or I'll end up at Pitzer (or somewhere around there) with Miranda. Neither are bad options. Truth be told though, even with my rather dismissive attitude towards valentines and it's traditional symbolism, I'd much rather have a date. Such is life. It also doesn't help that the veritable bombardment of love themed well, everything, is a somewhat annoying reminder of my own single state. It seems like women have been falling into about four categories for me.

1) Attached: Lots of women I find desirable and worthy of pursuit, are naturally already dating someone. This sort of counts them out. Which also puts me in an odd position since some of them may be or may become good friends, but I feel awkward and at odds with my internal moral sensibilities about spending time with someone that I would like to date that is already dating someone else. There is something about that situation that I find slightly complicated and containing the possibility to put me into morally questionable situations. I'm currently trying to reconcile a couple of these situations.

2) Wrong: Some people just aren't right for me, even for casual dating.

3) Rejective: Some people just don't want to go out with me. I can understand this perfectly, sometimes things just don't click or whatever. However it seems to be more common lately for rejection to be the "stealth" type. Being stood up, blown off, that sort of thing. I'd prefer just being told that they're not interested upfront. At least that way I know where I stand, y'know? (Second person! Ha, take that fourth wall!)

4) Gay: I'm talking to you Miranda. :P Love ya. ;)

The one category that is missing from this list is the successful one. This is decidedly annoying. However, all I can really do I suppose is continue to ask women out on dates. I suppose I also may try changing up my approach. Maybe I need to be more direct, or maybe less direct. I guess I'll have to try a range of approaches. Not to mention a range of women. I just want to go out and date casually at this point. Not that I'd refuse a long term relationship, but I don't necessarily expect it at this point. It'd be nice, but again, given my success rate (0%) with just getting dates, I don't expect it to happen.

So that's about it. But in the spirit of the day here are a couple comics.

Cops

2007-02-10T12:31:00.000-08:00

So last night Miranda and I went out for some food at around midnight. We decided to go to In-n-Out, but we wanted to eat there so I drove out to the one on Vineyard and Foothill because it has indoor seating. We eat our food and then we start back to Pitzer on Foothill. I see this cop car following me and after about a mile or so he turns his lights on and pulls me over. He thought I was drunk. Me. He said I was "wavering" in my lane. Bullshit. Dude was looking to pull someone over. What a douche. So we go through the license/registration song and dance, then he asks me to follow his finger with my eyes. After that, he let me go. I knew as soon as I saw him though, that I was going to get pulled over. Douchebag cop.

I got pulled over for suspicion of DUI, that is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I've experienced in quite a while.

Digital Photo Manipulation

2007-02-07T22:16:00.000-08:00

This is my first real attempt at editing any my photos with something more robust than Picasa. I used the GIMP since I'm a college student and I don't have money for Photoshop. Took me a while to do it, but I think it came out okay. I suppose this is my first step into the world of digital photo editing.

Now I just need to think of what to do next...

Possibility

2007-02-06T13:33:00.001-08:00

I'm not depressed or troubled exactly anymore. If anything I'm anxious about possibilities and what not. Which is still annoying and unstable, but at least unlike depression, it's instability with possibility. Which is certainly more than I've had in eight months. The possibility to move on.

I've been more socially active lately and I've been more able to cross my own barriers and ask women out. This has always been a roadblock for me and more so since my drama of eight months past. However, I think I'm making some real headway as a person these days. I guess what I'm working on currently is losing my tendency to over-think things and be paranoid in general. I guess I just need to relax and take things in stride. I think dropping a lot of my expectations is also something that I'm having moderate success with.

Rejection isn't the end of the world and isn't even personal necessarily. Sometimes things don't work out and it isn't my fault. Either way it doesn't matter as much as I've made it matter in the past. My second guessing doesn't do anything but make myself sick and paranoid. I can't change what I've done or what I've said. I can apologize, I can own up, and I can attempt to learn from my mistakes, but I can't make them go away. Besides, if someone is really worth pursuing they'll hopefully be somewhat understanding of my moderate social awkwardness and it's sometimes destabilizing effects on my life.

I think I'm coming to terms with just that, my social awkwardness. It doesn't make me a bad person or that different, it just means I have to work a little harder at interpersonal relationships.

I suppose it's easy to be this optimistic or rather realistic from this point in time. I can still be rejected. But I think I have some better tools and attitudes about it to deal with it.

Well, we'll see how all this goes.

Women

2007-02-01T23:48:00.000-08:00

Ugh.

Maybe I'll give details when I'm less likely to throw my laptop across the room in frustration.

Recent Music

2007-01-31T18:11:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been listening to a lot of new music lately. Partially because my Metalhead friend Josh is a pusher of metal and also because I picked up a few new albums. So I'll just list off what I've been listening to and then comment on it.

Opeth - Damnation, Still Life, Blackwater Park
Marilyn Manson - Mechanical Animals
Kraftwerk - Trans-Europe Express
The Residents - Tweedles

Okay, so I've never been a big fan of Death Metal. I could never get past the growl. It just didn't sit well with me. However, my friend Josh suggested Opeth's "Damnation" to me and I picked it up. Wow. No growl and fantastic, melodic music. I fell in love with this album immediately. Well, after listening to it for about a week, I started to poke around Opeth's other material. After a few listens, the growl no longer bothered me. After I was able to get past the first few tracks of "Still Life" I found that only about 60% of the album is growl and the other 40% is melodic. Okay, I officially love this stuff now. I'm on my way to becoming a metalhead myself.

I have owned "Lest we forget" for some time now and I've enjoyed pretty much all of the tracks on it. I've been meaning to pick up one of Manson's albums now for quite some time, but I finally got around to it recently. Wow, Mechanical Animals is fantastic. What a cohesive, wonderful sounding album! Now I need to go pick up more of his stuff.

Kraftwerk has been on my "To-Buy" list for some time now, especially since they're the forerunners of a lot of the borderline electronic music I listen to now (e.g. NIN). This album is great, very raw and unprocessed. I dig it a lot. However, I was disappointed to learn that there is an original German version. Now I have to go pick that one up too.

Ah, the Residents. What a fantastic band. Their music is just so innovative. This album is no exception. I liked it immediately and loved it soon after. Much darker than the other things I've heard by them, it is instilled with a sense of darkness and pragmatism.

All in all great purchases. :D

Nothing planned this weekend...

2007-01-29T17:56:00.001-08:00

Gasp! Can it be so? I have nothing planned on my Google Calender for this weekend! Who wants to do something? Give me suggestions!

Gasp! Can it be so? I have nothing planned on my Google Calender for this weekend! Who wants to do something? Give me suggestions!

Edit: Found/Remembered Something!

http://www.nortonsimon.org/exhibitions.aspx?id=6#144

The Collectible Moment: Photographs in the Norton Simon Museum
October 13, 2006 - Now extended through March 12, 2007--

I'd like to go see this exhibit. Anyone else interested? Free for students!

If so let me know and we'll set up a carpool or something.

A Reminder...

2007-01-28T01:29:00.000-08:00

Earlier this evening I was feeling lonely and I hadn't gotten out of the house all day. I was talking to Brian and he told me there was going to a be a party tonight at one of his friends' houses. So since I had nothing else to do I went. Now before I went I knew what to expect. Drinking and lots of it. However, when I got there it really hit me. Brian's girlfriend was acting odd (she had been drinking) and said things to me like "You don't drink, you don't dance, what do you do?". Normally not a big deal.

For some reason though, tonight it brought it all closer. It all functioned as a reminder to me. A reminder of how different I am from the average college student. I don't get drinking. I don't understand people who drink or who have drank ever. I just don't understand it. More than anything else I feel socially isolated because of this choice I have made and I've realized that my ex was always one of these people but she was putting that on hold while we dated and left me to resume that lifestyle. I don't really know anyone else that shares my views on this. I know people who have less radical views, but no one like me.

How is it that I am so different?

So now I've gone from feeling lonely, to feeling very lonely and isolated.

It was nice to see Brian though, I don't get to see him nearly as much since he left UPS.

I don't know, I just feel so empty.

What will be taking up my time this year...

2007-01-27T17:49:00.000-08:00

Band that are going to release albums/tour.

1) Nine Inch Nails - New Album in April - US tour to follow
2) Porcupine Tree - New Album and hopefully tour
3) Bloc Party - New album and Tour (going in march!)
4) The Arcade Fire - New album and tour hopefully
5) Radiohead - New album hopefully and hopeful tour
6) Jimmy Eat World - New album hopefully and hopeful tour
7) Marilyn Manson - New album and tour!

Any I'm missing?

Ugh.

2007-01-25T12:44:00.001-08:00

Okay so I go in for my Endoscopy this morning. No big deal rright? Not really. Turns out I have something that just before a full blown ulcer called gastritis. Cool, no ulcer. Well, I wake up off the anesthesia and I can't walk so well since I'm hopped up on drugs. While I'm walking over to my wheelchair one of the orderlies tells me I look like I'm drunk. "I wouldn't know" I mumble under my breath, not wanting to have to explain that I don't drink etc. to yet another person. So I get in the car and my mom is yammering at me and says something about how I look out of it. I said yeah, one of the orderlies said I looked like I was drunk. So she says "I can see why he'd think that since you basically look homeless."

What the fuck is wrong with this passive aggressive bitch? I just get out of the hospital and I'm kinda spacey and she has to lay into me about my hair and the way I dress. WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK!!!!! So I don't wear slacks and polo shirts every day like I used to in High School. Well, guess why I dressed that way?! SHE WANTED ME TO! DUH! Is it just me? I don't think I look homeless! I tell her to stop pulling her passive aggressive shit on me and leave me alone since I'm not feeling great since I just got of an operation. She then proceeds to tell me that if I want to be alone for the rest of my life to go on looking like a bum.

I swear I just wanted to tell her to fuck off. I'm so sick of this shit. Like this is helping my stress level any. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

You know what really grinds my gears?

2007-01-24T15:03:00.001-08:00

When people don't respond to e-mails you send them. I have a few e-mails out right now that people haven't given a response to. I hate that. Isn't it common courtesy to just give a short response if nothing else? Ugh. Inconsiderate bastards.

Boomers

2007-01-23T15:08:00.000-08:00

I'm posting this from my favorite coffee shop in the area. Boomers which happens to be in down-town Upland where The Wire is also located. It looks like maybe down-town Upland may have a chance. The Claremont Village is still much better, but maybe if down-town Upland were to get a nice Indie record store and a few other things it would be a better competitor. I know that Boomers is way better than any coffee shop in the village and there isn't a Starbucks around which is nice. The Wire is a great spot too. The only problem for most of the area is the fact that everything shuts down far too early. Also the street fair is really crappy and makes this place unvisitable on Thursday evenings. I think that for me personally this place (Boomers) is going to be a much larger hang out spot for me in the coming year. I know already that I'll be in down town Upland more than I have since I was a child just because of The Wire. I also feel a little burned out on the Village. It just seems so phony half the time. I guess it's a refreshing change here.

Ah, I really should be completing my German homework. I have to finish answering some questions and typing out an essay interpreting "Die Blechtrommel". Meh. I'll get to it I promise. I've been doing really well this quarter on keeping up with my homework and that will continue.

Speaking of the Village, I recently went to Rhino to pick up a couple albums. I got

Mechanical Animals - Marilyn Manson
Trans-Europe Express - Kraftwerk
Tweedles - The Residents
Funeral - The Arcade Fire (LP)

All are great so far. I already had Funeral on CD but I wanted a copy on Vinyl.

I think I'm going to start playing Guitar again. I want to express myself creatively and I feel like all the time I've spend desperately seeking human contact is making me one-sided and boring. I think that I'm making myself undateable by searching for a date in a way. I really miss playing in a band. I think I need to find a band again and become involved in music again. I think I'm also going to start writing again. I really need to express all these crazy emotions and feelings that have been a part of my life for the last eight months. If nothing else these things will distract me from my sex deprivation. Ha.

Till later

-Marcus

Pointless

2007-01-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

I know you've had times like this. So Jordan is always complaining that we never "do" anything right? Well, I invited him to go with Brian, Miranda and I to a concert on Saturday. The Hopefield concert. Being Jordan he flakes, citing that he's feeling down and doesn't feel much like coming out of his room much less his house. It sounds like he truly feels this way and so I'm not really upset about it and I understand. (Not to mention last weekend. He always seems to flake on whatever activity I have planned. Last weekend's BBQ, The D concert, etc.) Then Miranda, Brian, and I go to the concert. When I get back to drop off Miranda, Jordan is gone and he's out with that Meagan girl who I highly dislike since she happens to have a boyfriend but is also quasi-dating Jordan. Not fucking cool. Not to mention I just simply don't like the girl. I think she's a phony. She reminds me of another girl that hurt Jordan in the past and I don't trust her.

So I tell him that it upset me the day after. I probably shouldn't have said anything , but I was agitated by Miranda getting all uppity with me and I was feeling sick so it slipped past my filters. So he asks me what's wrong and I tell him that he pissed me off by ditching me for this girl and being dishonest about his intentions. Then he gets all condescending with me and starts saying stuff like "Well, I've been going through stuff I can't talk about and I've been depressed. Like I don't know what the fuck depression is. I mean seriously! I tell him to drop it and that I understand and accept it and he walks away mumbling and rolling his eyes, treating me like I'm five still. I really hate being talked down to.

So he sends me an e-mail asking if things are okay and that I'm still his best bud and all. I haven't responded yet. If I'm his best bud and all why wouldn't he be able to talk to me about his problems? The only conclusion I can come up with is that he is involved in some sort of cheating with this Meagan chick. I think he's fairly aware that I would disapprove of that given my recent troubles. If that is the case, I've lost a lot of respect for him. I don't really know what to say to him with the obstinate, aloof attitude he's affected. I think the best solution is me just taking a break from hanging out with him. So that's what I'm currently doing. I'm really more on a communication break. I'm not so sure how to respond to that e-mail.

To make matters worse I go over to Miranda's house yesterday to help her move back into her dorm. For some reason she wants to decide on what to do for the rest of the night and starts asking me what I felt like doing (basically weather I wanted to hang out at her dorm or at her house) at this point feeling sick like I do I've kind of shut down for the night so I respond with things like "Whatever you want to do, I'm rather ambivalent, I'll do whatever is easiest for you." Then she gets all frustrated and starts rolling her eyes at me and stuff because she wants me to make a decision. So I say "Well, what do we normally do?" and I was implying that we could sit down, have a chat, make some tea or something and just sort of de-stress. My bad. She responds. "Jack Shit" Nice. I had just taken her to a concert the day before and up to Mt Baldy a day before that to check out the snow. Not to mention everything else we do together. Since she doesn't drive I often take her places. I don't mind doing that, but to have it all trivialized isn't very fun. Especially when you've come over to purposely help that person out (especially when you feel like shit like I did!). So she eventually apologizes for snapping at me and what not citing that moving/her family was stressing her out.

I accept that for the most part, though I'm still miffed (I'm not a robot I can't run a kill emotions program). But then later in the evening, I make some joke about women always changing their minds (very obvious joke as well) and she gets all pissy with me and saying that she never knows when I'm being serious or not. Even after I explain it was a joke, a lot. I'm sick of explaining myself to her. Doesn't she know me by now? This was all preceded by her being very moody with me anyways so it was the topper. After that I just shut the fuck up because I was sick of having other people angry at me. I left after a while and barely even said good-bye. The next day she IM's me (for the first time in a long time [month or so]) and asks if I want to come over and watch a program about Tea with her. Now, normally I would, but I think I may need a break from her as well. Not to mention she must know that I was upset with her and instead of addressing the issue or apologizing she glosses over it. Not the best idea.

Anyways, so that's what the fuck's going on. That and my stomach still hurts. I'm going to see a doctor on Thursday. We'll see how bad it is.

I hate having this kind of drama with my friends, especially the ones I consider very close to me.

I don't know maybe some of Miranda's crap is fueled by her going back to Pitzer where she has other people to hang out with so she doesn't need me around nearly as much. That sort of happened when she went back to school in the fall.

Fuck.

Add in the fact that I don't get any more than four hours of sleep a night (unless it's the weekend) and that I'm stressed about work and school and I'm a fucking wreck. I'd really like someone to fall asleep with, that used to seem to help.

Either way I feel that discussing my concerns with either of them would be a pointless venture since I feel like they really won't listen to me since they don't think they're in the wrong. Who knows, maybe one or both of them will read this. I don't know how they'd take it and I suppose I'm being bold by posting it, but I really need to vent. It's not like I'm pretending to be perfect. I know I'm a hard guy to get along with. I doubt either of them will read this though.

Bad Video from my Camera - Hopefield

2007-01-16T08:44:00.000-08:00

It's a still camera. Not really meant to take video, this was more of an experiment than anything else. Hopefield was awesome. :)

I think I'll try to get a full song next time at least.

Eh.

2007-01-15T13:16:00.000-08:00

I haven't eaten any more than a couple pieces of bread and half a bowl of soup for the past three or four days. I don't know if I'll eat anything today. I really hope that I don't have an ulcer again. That would fucking suck.

I am tired of being misunderstood.

I haven't heard back from The Wire about my photos yet and I don't think I will. That sucks.

Futility

2007-01-10T10:03:00.000-08:00

I feel like nothing I do matters. I'm really terrible with my friends and I don't have social skills. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I think I'm really going to pour myself into school this quarter and just try to forget about human contact. Maybe if I can finally get going in school and graduate sometime I'll feel better about myself. As it stands I feel worthless and pathetic. These are probably a few reasons why I don't date. Hard to ask a girl to go out with you when you don't feel like you're worth going out with.

Sigh.

Restless

2006-12-29T05:40:00.000-08:00

I just woke up from a fairly restless sleep here in San Diego. I don't know exactly why. I'm glad that I'm down here, but I was really dragging my heels when I was packing and what not yesterday. I don't know why that is either. I called the girl from my german class while I was driving down here yesterday (on the advice of one of my dating coaches, as I jokingly call my friends) and that went iffy-ly. WHen I first called her there was a bad connection or something because she just kept saying "hello?", so I hung up. She promptly called back and it took her a couple of tries to remember who the hell I was. Not promising. However, once we got that all sorted out, we talked for a bit and then she said that she wasn't exactly sure of her schedule and she'd give me a buzz today sometime. Somehow, I'm not exactly hopeful.

Not that its a huge deal or anything. I mean to be quite truthful, I really don't know her that well and it isn't like I'm super seriously interested or anything. However at this point, I'll take what I can get. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean that since I don't exactly have a queue of women around, if there's a chance someone will go on a date with me, I'll probably take it. Not that I even think there's that much of a chance in this case. Sad, but true, that this is probably one of my likely prospects as well.

I'm not excited about the prospect of seeing my father either. I don't know why I told him that I'd be down here. Ugh. (stupid caps lock key on my laptop being where I expect the shift key to be!!) I'm going to try and minimize the time I spend with him as much as I can (that's some funny wording, attempt to maximize the minimizing...).

It is very nice to be with Ivan and Jenny. I don't get to see them nearly enough since they moved down here.

I feel a bit weird coming down here alone. Usually when I travel, I have someone with me. In less recent times it was with my ex and in more recent times with one of my friends (primarily Jordan or Miranda). I don't know. It isn't horrible or anything, but it does feel odd.

I don't know. Its late/early and I should probably try to get back to sleep or something. Stupid depression.

Uncle Jemima's Pure Mash Liquor

2006-12-13T15:41:00.000-08:00

Uncle Jemima's Pure Mash Liquor - video powered by Metacafe

I love this video, I remember actually seeing it on SNL.

Back when SNL was funny

Intellectual Property Theft

2006-12-06T12:13:00.000-08:00

This article contains one of my photos

and although they give me credit by name, they never asked to use this photo nor have I been compensated.

In a way it is kind of flattering, but they never asked to use this photo so I'm pretty pissed off.

Local Bands

2006-12-05T14:11:00.000-08:00

So I've been listening to a few local bands lately. I'm really surprised at how good some of these bands are.

Without further adieu, I will share some links and some thoughts

Hopefield

These guys are great. I can't believe they don't have a record contract. They remind me of Jimmy Eat World quite a bit, but with their own flavor. Saw them live at The Wire this last Sunday and they really rocked the house. I'd recommend them to anyone that likes Jimmy Eat World, Incubus, Bloc Party, or that sort of music. The lead singer is a great guy and very willing to talk to people about his music and also willing to just chat. I really like these guys.

Population Game

Saw them at Cal Poly a week ago and they put on a great show. Their sound is reminiscent of Ben Folds Five and Queen. Liked them so much I bought their EP. While the EP is good, they really shine live. Just a great jazzy, funky sound that mixes with a bit of alternative. Lead singer was a nice guy, chatted with him for a bit. I'd love to see them live again soon.

Stacy*Clark

Saw her a while ago at Cal Poly. Good music and she's not bad looking to boot (the photo of her on her EP on iTunes isn't the best, don't let it fool you). A bit of a guilty pleasure since the music is a bit... "girly", but I like it none the less. I hope to see her live again sometime soon.

Any local/unsigned/indie bands you guys have been listening to? What have you been listening to? Anything to recommend to me?

Alright, I have work to do on my German final. Later.

-Marcus

Okay I need some help

2006-12-02T12:01:00.000-08:00

So this venue recently opened near where I live. It is called The Wire and they are a venue that does Live Music and Art/Film/Photography exhibitions. I am going to submit ten photos to them for review and I need help selecting some shots. I already have about five photos that I want to submit for certain, but the other five are a bit harder to select. Any thoughts and or criticisms are welcome. Thanks!

My Flickr and Facebook are stuffed with photos, but if you need more...

Photobucket

Almost...

2006-11-10T10:27:00.000-08:00

I nearly lost my Panny DMC-FZ30. Jordan and I went to BJ's last night for dinner and I left it on the ground next to my chair. The ironic part is that I didn't leave it in the car for fear of theft. Thankfully a server had noticed and I was able to go back (about two hours later) and pick it up. Whew. I feel extremely lucky.

In other news Jordan and I played Gears of War last night. At first I though it was fairly mediocre and certainly not nearly as good as Halo or Halo 2. However after playing it further I started to really like it. It's a much different game than a traditional FPS. To be quite honest it's a Behind your shoulder-PS game. The game seems to be very paintball influenced (even some talk of paintball in the game booklet) and I enjoy the focus on cover and angles. I must say, for all I was derisive of the Xbox 360, I now have an appreciation for it. If the price ever falls I may even pick one up. For now though I have to worry about getting my Wii. My chances don't look to good at this point for getting one on launch day, which is a bit depressing, but eh. What can you do?

I saw the Borat movie last Friday with Jordan, his friend Megan, Josh, Miriam, Brian and Melissa. I was supposed to have a date for the movie, but she stood me up. Sigh. That sucked. The movie however was a RIOT, so good in fact that I'm going to see it again tonight with Miranda, Brian, and one of his friends.

I have to go to Costco today to get some stuff that I'm out of (cranberry juice was the primary stimulation for the trip) and I think I'm going to print out a few photos. Actually I'm going to print out two shots specifically for a gift. One of Miranda and one of Jordon for their parents as a gift. I think 5x7's will be perfect. One of each in a hinged frame. The Perrys have been awesome to me these past months. I've invaded their home at least once a week and they haven't even batted an eye. I hope they enjoy this, I normally don't buy presents for friend's parents. I'm also going to print out a few photos for decoration around my room. I feel it's a bit drab in here and I'd like to display my work (not that anyone will see it but myself..).

Tomorrow (as you may have seen on my calender) I have another drive even that I'm going to with Jordan, this time it's a Lexus sponsored event though. It ought to be a lot of fun, and hopefully Lexus isn't cheap and will feed us like GM does and Mazda used to. My evening after that is fairly open, I may end up doing something with Miranda or Jordan depending on what either of them is doing.

On Sunday I'll be taking a trip to the Getty museum (if enough people are willing to come along that is, which it looks like they are...). It looks like Josh and his posse are along and I think I can at least count on Miranda to go as well. The others are up in the air.

School is starting to get very hectic. I think I could have done better this quarter, but I was dealing with a lot, and we'll leave it at that.

I'm basically done shopping for friends, now I just have to worry about my family. Hopefully some of that stuff can be picked up on Black Friday.

I'm pissed. I missed a show that Porcupine Tree was playing on Oct. 11th, I had no idea they even came to the West Coast of the USA. I don't know when they'll be playing again around here, but when they do I am so there. So many bands are releasing new albums in the spring/summer of next year. That means tours! Hopefully I'll be able to catch them all. NIN, Jimmy Eat World, Arcade Fire, and more. Going to see Tenacious D later on this month, now that is exciting! Also the movie comes out a few days after the concert. Something to look forward to.

Hopefully I'll be able to go paintballing next weekend, it's been too long. The last time I was able to go was back in July. Its just so difficult getting people all organized. That's one of the reasons I've been using the Google Calender so often lately, it seems to help.

Josh may soon be helping me create a flash drive bootable version of Gentoo, I'm fairly excited about that, as it promises to be rather neat.

I still feel alone. I still feel lonely, however I don't know, even though I still feel the pain quite deeply, it's different for some reason. I feel slightly more hopeful. Don't ask me why, all signs still point to me becoming as Senor Cardgage type fellow in my later years. Hopefully that will not be my fate. I just need to find someone compatible enought that I peruse her with a tinge of zeal.

Anywas, that's basically what's on my mind.

Earthbound Music

2006-11-09T10:20:00.000-08:00

I miss that game. Why does Nintendo shun it so? They're not even releasing Mother 3 in the states. So sad. That game holds many good memories for me.

Robot Chicken - Calvin and Hobbes

2006-11-07T22:34:00.000-08:00

Wow.

I would like a hot tub

2006-10-26T21:52:00.000-07:00

I want a hot tub right now. I'd like to go soak in one. That sounds nice. Sigh. I'm looking forward to this weekend, I have a lot going on. The mazda event with Jordan should be fun and the party later that night should be interesting if nothing else. So much going on lately. I've been writing a lot, but nothing coherent really, mostly just stream of consciousness stuff. I'm tired. I'm not getting enough sleep. Four hours a night just isn't cutting it. Eh, what are you going to do I guess. Mein liber ist sehr komish. I really don't get to see people as often as I'd like. I'm busy, they're busy. I haven't seen Josh in a couple of weeks, and last time I saw him it wasn't for very long. The only reason I see Brian as much as I do is because we work together. Miranda is busy with classes. Jordan is busy with work and classes. I haven't seen Ivan and Jenny in ages, they have work and I have work/class. I haven't seen Marc-David since I left Portland, and I hardly ever talk to him because he's so busy with work and just trying to live. I want to go back to Portland. I really liked it up there. I felt relaxed up there. Hopefully I can visit again soon, I'd really like that.

Yes I realize I'm fishing

2006-10-18T22:41:00.000-07:00

But I'm having a fucking terrible night. I really need some new photos in my room. Even though I've turned around photos of her, I know what they contain. I'm feeling very emotional and very depressed tonight. I don't know what's special about tonight. Well, part of it probably has something to do with the party I went to last Saturday and the party I'm slated to go to this Saturday. Brian invited me to a party last Saturday, so Jordan and I trucked over there. When I got there, it was of course a party where everyone gets fucking smashed and that's about the extent of it. Some drunk chick came up to me and Jordan when were just chilling on some random couch and she started to ask why we weren't drinking. Then she proceeded to ask me several hypothetical situations that would cause me to drink. Crap like, "If some really hot girl would have sex with you would you drink then?". That was fucking annoying. Not only that but I came to an important realization. I wouldn't. I wouldn't drink to get laid. It's that important.

Upon talking to Brian and people at work, they've basically told me that I kinda need to lower my expectations. That I basically need to lie/cheat/steal my way into a chick's pants. Great. I'm lonely as fuck, but I don't want to just fucking latch onto some drunk bitch. Not that they'll even necessarily notice me. Fuck. I mean even Miranda is telling me that if I drop that anti-alcohol stuff I'd probably get more action. She's probably right. It just feels like a betrayal of my core values. I don't know why, but when I think about people I care about drinking I get this feeling, this pain in the pit of my stomach. The motherfucking sad part, is I know that I will drop my standards. I have such a low view of women, myself, and humanity in general that I'm basically just looking to get off. Now weather or not these lowered standards will lead to that is another argument. I'm not very hopeful. I'm feeling so misogynistic, hell misanthropic in general lately. I'm lonely as fuck, but I pretty much hate people.

I miss her damn it. Well, rather, I miss what we used to have. Her as of right now I don't miss, because she is a lying, cheating, fucked-up whore. If she died today I can nearly guarantee I wouldn't attend her goddamn funeral. Hell, I probably wouldn't even know. The last time I saw her was leaving that NIN concert. The last time I talked to her was right before it started. I want to move on. I feel like I've mostly moved on and then this shit fucking pops up. I just want to scream.

Dating. What a fucking joke. I feel like I'm a fairly nice guy, all joking aside, who isn't fucking terrible looking, so.... what the fuck? Why do guys mostly provided the stimulus for a date still? Isn't it Two thousand motherfucking six? Equal rights and all that shit? Fuck I'm angry. I'm fucking pissed off, I'm fucking depressed and I'm fucking lonely. I don't want to be.

Fuck. That bitch still haunts me every day.

Fuck. I'm fucking sex-deprived and fucking bitter. I'm so fucking bitter. I swear half the time I feel so god damned tense that I feel like I'm going to fucking explode. FUCK!

You know I defended her from her family calling her a slut. They were right. I forgave her after she kissed some guy about two weeks into us dating. I forgave her after she fooled around with one of her friends (a chick, kissing and shit). She had a fucking pattern of being a fucking whore. Fuck! Do you know what I went through for her? Her family threatened me with motherfucking PRISON. So many fucking bullshit hoops to jump through and I did it with a fucking smile. Why? I was in love. I thought we were good to go for the long haul. Turns out I was just a fucking blind stupid asshole. I obviously meant next to nil to her. Fucking fantastic. Now I can't even find anyone that is even remotely compatible with me. It's like I'm barely fucking human. How is it that my views are so radically different from, oh, just about absofuckinglutley everyone's? How fucking crazy am I? Is there anyone, ANYONE, out there like me? Not that I've found.

So I'll go to this fucking party on Saturday and I'll talk to some fucking insipid drunk bitch just on the off chance that I'll get some sort of action. I'm pretty god damned desperate for just about fucking anything at this point. I'll talk about shit I don't fucking care about, I'll nod my head and lie, just for the remote possibility of feeling some girl up. That's pathetic. That's me.

I pretty much know who may read this. Either Jon or Josh. I know that you guys are sick of hearing about my problems. I'm sorry. I don't know why I can't stop thinking this way. I am stuck. My mind is a fucking loop.

I feel so crazy.

Dysphoria

2006-10-12T13:51:00.000-07:00

It's interesting. I find myself extremely idle these days. My motivation seems to have ebbed away. The way I've been feeling can only be described as dysphoric. It isn't as if I'm not happy at points, its not as if I don't have fun. However, there is always a specter behind everything I do. Trent Reznor describes it beautifully in the track "Underneath It All" off of the second disc of "The Fragile". Now, I am trying to avoid the over dramatic and the whiny tone people in my position often take. But there are a few things that continue to bother me.

1) Why?

While I know that divining the motivations of any human decision is an ill-fated task, that's the logical part of me, the part that has been taking the passenger seat for the past couple of months.

Why would she do what she did? Five years is a long time, why throw that away? I can logically refute almost any example, again the problem being that logic is a minor player in this arena. I just don't understand, I was completely blindsided. We were even supposed to go camping that weekend. She almost let me drive up to Wrightwood with her and pitch a tent. She was going to tell me up there. The complete lack of judgement inherent in that plan still hurts my brain. Not to say that she had the best judgement, she didn't, a fact made evident by her route of ending the relationship. Why cheat on my first and then end it all after a week? Why not just be upfront about it? I suppose the reason lies in her weakness.

So many conflicting emotions surround that girl. I hate her, I miss her, I pity her. My mind confuses itself.

2) Gay?

I have a great friend who happens to be the sister of one of my best friends. She is funny, intelligent, open-minded, good looking, and many things I'm looking for in a significant other. She is also a lesbian. Now some would say that I'm only attracted to her because of my recent single status. Not so say I! My attraction to her extends at least a year back, before I knew she "played for the other team". Now, yes I was involved in a serious relationship at that point, but I didn't do anything, I made no moves, I only admired from a distance and it passed quickly.

Now, before I became single I found out that she was gay. At the time it was merely interesting, it was like finding out that someone had *insert ethnic heritage here* in their background. Not a huge deal. However, since I was basically crushed by being cheated on and dumped, I turned to friends for support. She was one of these friends. Now it's merely a source of frustration that I've found someone that is very compatible with me except for the fact that I happen to not be female. Another source of the good old why question.

3) Uh, hi...

How do you bridge the gap between polite conversation over something as mundane as class or food or the weather into a dating proposition? I have no idea! I've been out of the race for about five years now, so I'm rather rusty at the whole deal, to tell the truth I wasn't very good at it in the first place, my former girlfriend was the initiator. Not only do I not know how to ask someone out, but I also have a small pool to select from. You see, I am not a drinker, nor do I smoke, or use any illicit drugs. I never have, I most likely never will. Most others do not follow this mindset, and if they do they are most likely severely religious, and that brings it's own set of problems.

I don't know where to find people, I don't know how to communicate with them after I've found them, and I'm not confidant enough to pursue anything doggedly. I make attempts, but they do not pan out.

4) Fuck it.

I simply don't care much any more. I seem to spend most of my days in front of the computer screen refreshing my e-mail inbox or visiting my virtual haunts. I am desperate for communication, but I am unsure how to get it. I go out with friends when I can, and I still do things, but I no longer take care of myself. I often forget to eat, I don't sleep more than four hours a night. I am depressed. Now, I know that I should be able to "pull myself out of it" but I seem to be incapable of such a task. I mean I have my good days, but they don't last. The predominant feeling is depression. Now, I can't attribute all of this to being dumped. A lot of it has to do with my living situation and the fact that I am very dissatisfied living with my parents. However, in Southern California, there is little option to do otherwise when you are paying your own way through college and you have other bills to take care of.

I have attempted to get my friends in on an place, but they are often in the same boat as I am financially. It doesn't help that my ex has moved out (Since I do not talk to her any more, I found this out through the grapevine as it were). Sure she is going to a junior college and has other problems, but it is a thin victory for her.

I suppose that's mostly what I've been feeling lately, though it is difficult to encapsulate it all in words.

Thanks for reading,

Marcus

DragonForce

2006-10-10T21:38:00.000-07:00

Two Surfers
Originally uploaded by airencracken.

Went down to San Diego with Jordan on Friday night to go see DragonForce. They were great. The first opening act was terrible, the second was pretty good. DragonForce put on a great show. We then flopped at the same Good Nite Inn that Miranda and I and friends had flopped at during the Radiohead shows. After that we walked around La Jolla all day. It was a nice micro-vacation.

Visted

2006-10-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

create your own visited states map

create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

Kinda neat little tools to show what states/countries you've visited.

Pinkerton: Weezer's Best Album?

2006-10-05T20:36:00.000-07:00

Okay for ages now everyone raves about Pinkerton. All I ever hear is that Pinkerton is their masterpiece. Honestly I thought it was all hype. However since Brian has been playing a few tracks off of it for me, I started to dig it and picked it up. Wow, it really is good. I can't say it's their best album only because I haven't heard their entire catalouge. But it is a fantastic album. I think right now at this time in my life as well, the songs mean a lot to me and I can really relate to them. Well, that's my official endorsement. Go buy/download Pinkerton and give it a listen or two. :)

Wake and Bacon

2006-10-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

because you're worth it

Sweet evil jesus. This has to be one of the best things I've ever seen.

Bacon

2006-10-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

Jon will love this - Giant Robot Costume

2006-10-01T23:35:00.000-07:00

Giant Robot Costume

Nine foot costume. Sounds like someone I know...

A long day?

2006-09-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

How do I manage to make myself completely busy doing nothing? I mean literally nothing! I skipped class today because I wasn't feeling quite right. I had a bit of a headache and my view of reality seemed a bit off. I wasn't hallucinating or anything but my sense of time was very very skewed and I just thought I'd be better served by staying at home.

Now, while in a sense I'm glad I stayed home, I also think maybe I should have went out. The problem is that I have no where to go and no one to go with. Now of course I should have gone to class, but I didn't. At that point what should I have done? I know what I shouldn't have done, because it's what I did. Stay on my computer all day again randomly surfing the web. Am I isolating myself? I don't think I am. I go out still. I call people. I think I'm at least as social as I've always been, which is admittedly not very social.

So what's the deal here? Why am I glued to the internet? At first I thought it was to communicate with people, but that seems to be kind of a sham because I don't really use it for communication that much. I don't really do much except for the occasional IM to someone, or perhaps an e-mail. E-mail can be bad for me as well though. I sit and refresh my inbox in the hopes that I'll have a message, to no avail.

Have I driven away my friends? Did I do something? I really don't know.

(I do know however that I royally fucked up that steep of my sencha tea I got in Canada. I don't know what I did wrong, maybe 175 is too hot for sencha. I'll have to do some research.)

I excel at making myself busy doing nothing and it sucks. I could have used this time to do work or something productive, but instead I sat and refreshed my inbox and the like. I guess the problem really lies in my lack of motivation. I really just don't care about stuff lately. Fuck, my headache seems to be back. I really don't want to go to work tomorrow, but I should and I will.

I know how to be single and I know how to be in a relationship. It's the in-between part that has me fucking flummoxed. Bah. I don't know. Have I ever?

Robot thinks people taste like bacon

2006-09-29T18:04:00.000-07:00

NEC researchers have created a robot for tasting wine. When turned against its masters, the robot said definitively, "bacon!" and "prosciutto!"

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! We're screwed!

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I lost my Kershaw.

2006-09-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

While at school today I guess it just came unclipped from my pocket. What a drag. I guess I'll have to go pick up a new one, I don't like being without my blade. Damn it! I miss my knife. :(

School is going to kill me

2006-09-23T15:08:00.000-07:00

So here's my class schedule. I'm so going to die. That's an assload of math. Here's to working my ass off.

My South Park Likeness

2006-09-20T21:51:00.000-07:00

I guess that's what I'd look like if I lived in South Park.

Yar! Happy ITLAPD to ye!

2006-09-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

It be that time o' year again! Shiver me timbers! Avast ho!

Click Here Matey!

5(r4|3|313

2006-09-18T23:33:00.000-07:00

OMFG. t3h roXXorz! 50 phR3|<1/\/g K3\/\/1!!! 1 j005t |30Ug|-|t t3hm!!! ROFLCOPTER!

Packing

2006-09-10T00:17:00.000-07:00

I've been packing all day and I really haven't packed much. I should get on that or something considering I'm leaving tomorrow...(when I wrote tomorrow I hadn't noticed that it was past midnight, so I actually meant today)

Some days...

2006-09-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

My mother just called J.S. Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor "Haloween music" WTF?!

Why do I get out of bed?

Someone buy these for me...

2006-09-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

Someone buy me the M6 Guardian (M6-CB) and fulfill my flashlight wet dreams.

M6-CB

Oh I'll take a 10x Dominator too.

Dominator

Those will go well with my Mags, the 15,000,000 CP spotlight and the other flashlights.

Please?

No? Okay...

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Well, I'm writing again.

2006-09-06T19:05:00.000-07:00

Marc really inspired me to start writing again. I finally finished something. It's short (just a few short paragraphs) but it's a complete work. (Bad, mind you, but complete) I feel kinda good about it though. Maybe after Marc takes a crack at it I'll post it up or something. Lates.